August 2001

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES:

• Run one lap around the office at top speed.
• Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
  
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
  
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
  
• Walk sideways to the photocopier.
  
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES:

• Say to your boss, "Dude, I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
  
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it".
  
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
  
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
  
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
  
• Announce over the intercom that there is free pizza in the lunchroom. When people discover that there isn't any pizza and come to you to inquire about it, lean way back in your chair, pat your belly and say, "Oh, you've got to be much faster than that. Hoo, boy, am I stuffed..."

FIVE POINT DARES:

• At the end of a meeting, suggest that,for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light on/off 10 times.
  
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob"
  
• After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator
  
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!".
  
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
  
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
  
• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
  
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

There was a person who sent ten different puns to friends,in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car98", or "CarNT". However, even then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "Are You Sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed a hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in the car he was driving...."

And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money,
then by substitution: Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches ZERO,
regardless of the Work done.

What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

She said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
   
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "Power wash and rinse" which has been found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Hide behind the toilet as much as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The newly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Please note: Although we intend to include only 100% clean humor on this website, we are not able to filter the content of sites for which links are provided here. Sites which qualify for a link here are sites that typically will not produce offensive content. If you believe we have linked to a web site or included humor content that does not meet the "100% clean" criteria, please email us with your comments. Thanks.